I'm not a fan of jogging and/or running, but I recognize the health benefits for normal people. Even when I was a young buck, I always struggled just to run a mile because a.) my slow twitch muscle fibers had never been properly conditioned to run very far, b.) genetically speaking, I'm strong out of the blocks but no good in the long haul, and c.) I'm just lazy.
My linebacker/defensive line coach in college once asked me how I could be so quick off the line and so slow in the forty yard dash. "Coach, I'm just lazy and if I have to chase someone more than ten yards on a football field, we're probably getting beat anyway." He couldn't yell at me, and it was then and there that I realized I could rationalize most things perceived to be 'wrong' with me.
Anyway, yesterday I decided it was time for me to jog a couple of miles. This doesn't sound like much to most folks, but again, two miles is a pretty significant milestone for this guy, all things considered. I would now like to share with you my thoughts as I ran through a forest preserve in my neighborhood.
The jog begins.....
Ha! That large chick in front of me makes me feel skinny. Yeah, that's a mean thing to think, bless her heart, but hey, I've got love handles the size of garbage can handles so I'm justified in my thoughts.
A minute into the jog
Whew, my heart rate is approximately 290 right now. Am I in the zone?
Two minutes in....
Wow, the stars are shining brightly already. How strange since the sun is still blazing! Wait, those aren't stars, those are the things that doctors warn us about when our brains are suffering from oxygen deprivation.
A couple more minutes in....
That guy on the bicycle looks like a maniac. I think I would be justified in ambushing him, beating him to a bloody pulp and relieving him of his bike. I could get back home a lot faster.
A few more minutes pass....
Half way done. Can they fit an amubulance on this path?
And then a few more minutes creep by.....
I'm wheezing like Weezy from The Jeffersons. What does that mean? That doesn't even make sense. That wasn't funny, just stupid. Why am I having this conversation with myself in my own head?
I'm at the end of the jog and I spot three deer beautifully standing, grazing in all of nature's glory....
I wish I had a gun with four bullets; one for each of you and one for me. I only want to shoot you because I know you can run far and not be on the verge of a massive cardial infarction. I hate you Bambi; I want you to die and I hate my life right now. I need water. I need lifeflight. Why did I do this? It was so much easier to think about running, and in all reality crawling technically isn't running is it?
Why did that guy that just passed me look at me with great concern? Does it have anything to do with the veins on my forehead bulging and on the threshold of exploding?
That's it! I'm done! I'm walking home; no way am I running back.
Finally back in my house I eat a pound of spaghetti.
That wasn't very bright...now I have to 'jog' again. Ugh.
Toughest rule for me to learn and understand when I began running: if you can't carry on a conversation out loud without much huffing and puffing, you're jogging too fast. Remind yourself that you're going for successful distance, speed be damned ;-)
ReplyDeleteMy "jog" was probably equivalent to those Olympic fast walkers--and I was still huffing and puffing--I'm considering bypass surgery. :)
ReplyDeleteThere's no reason to run unless someone/something you don't like is chasing you. Therfore you need to work up a motivating dose of paranoia before your next jog
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