Sage advice and witticisms

I have heard, throughout my life, some very, very good advice.  I also like to think I've given some good advice along the way.  Sometimes the counsel I give comes across as sarcastic or cynical, and more often than not this is the correct perception, especially since I have a very cynical outlook on life and don't have much faith in the human decision making process.

Here I share with you, faithful reader, some of the advice I've given and the advice I've gotten. 

"Honey, I take back what I said.  If you decide you're going to be a singer when you grow up you'll be broke and you'll starve to death."  ~Told to my oldest daughter when she was five years old.  I had repeatedly told her she could be anything she wanted when she grew up, but was forced to retract that statement after hearing her sing a track from The Lion King.

"I don't need to lose weight, I need a fat doctor who understands what I'm going through."  ~Said by an overweight friend of mine whose doctor told him nothing was wrong with him, other than he needed to shed a hundred pounds or so.

"Yeah, I don't understand.  Pull one gun on somebody and everybody labels you as 'dangerous.'"  ~I said to a buddy of mine who, after feeling threatened by a group of young adults, brandished his legally carried firearm to show he wasn't going to be a victim.  He couldn't understand all the angst he was given by law enforcement.  He was later arrested......

"Six million French people don't care, and I hate the French."  ~I'm fond of telling this to people from eastern Canada.

"Shut up or I'll knock your teeth down your throat."  ~The response my father would give me anytime he felt I was about to win an argument.

"I think she's retarded."  ~Said about my youngest daughter who didn't want to talk until she was two years old.

"All they can do is fire me; they can't eat me, and if they do try to eat me I'll have the last laugh--I just pooped and I don't think I gave it a good wipe."  ~Told to a work peer.

"Seriously officer, I don't know.  It could be because I ran that stop sign back there, OR it could be because I don't have my seatbelt on, OR it could be because I'm speeding.  I'm not really sure."  ~Said my brother to a state trooper in Alabama who pulled him over and asked if he knew WHY he was being stopped.

"I ain't ever met anybody I liked after figuring out they were a butthole."  ~I'm fond of saying about people I don't like.

"Pull my finger.  It makes me fart AND giggle!"  ~I say to anyone I think might be willing to give my finger a tug.

"Try reasoning with him.  If that doesn't work, kick him in the testicles."  ~I tell some of my karate students.

"It always works better when you do it right."  ~I like to say about anything and everything.

"You're stupid."  ~I reserve this one for stupid people.

"You know how mad you get when you go to Wal-Mart and they have twenty cash registers but only three cashiers?  You're upset because you have to stand in line and wait, right?  But after fuming for fifteen minutes you finally pay for your stuff and you forget all about being mad.  That's how we are going to manage things here.  Prioritize and put people in line; once you get their stuff done, they'll forget about being mad at you."  ~I recently told my direct reports who were struggling to drive projects to completion because they were short of labor resources.

"All men are dogs.  Some dogs lick their butts and some lick their genitals.  You have to decide which man you want and what taste in your mouth you can live with."  ~Told to a female friend of mine who recently had a breakup with her boyfriend and was complaining about men in general.

"Logistics?  Now there's an oxymoron!  Ain't nobody over there very logical!"  ~I said about my company's logistic group.

"Look, you can drop a turd in a pile of flour, roll it around and fry it in fresh oil.  But you know what it's going to be after you cook it?  Yep, a turd."  ~I told a direct report one time while lecturing about doing things right the first time.

"Your line of logic and reasoning lacks both.  Please come back when I'm drunk so neither of us will understand the other."  ~I told one rather upset work peer who was complaining about not getting his way.

"I'm dumber for having listened to your presentation.  What?  My comment offends you?  Stick around for a few more minutes, it gets a lot worse!"  ~I said to a colleague who presented a top line look on something we all wanted more detail on. 

And this is why people love me.........